Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
