had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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