how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
