Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
