we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
