Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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