You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
