Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
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