And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
