I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
