Who wears a wallet chain?!
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
