When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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