my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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