that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
