Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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