can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
