I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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