I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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