What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
