Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
The ass gains better be worth it
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