Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
