god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
