I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
