i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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