I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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