So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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