my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
So squirting runs in the family.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
