I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The air taste purple.
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