just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Randomize
