I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
My balls are so social today.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
