Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
