new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
