do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
