My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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