I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
