Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
