I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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