I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize