He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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