You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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