A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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