Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
