Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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