ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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