I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
