Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
