She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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