i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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