i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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