He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
