today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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