i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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