yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
