the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
