Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
