I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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