Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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