Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
