I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
