Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
