I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
