i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
We need a shit load of segways right now
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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