It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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