My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
