dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
