We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
a search helicopter?!
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
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