he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
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