Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Help. Why am I so naked?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
