I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
