just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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