at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
