I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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